Redistribution – par for the course

4 11 2008

THE USGA WISHES TO INFORM ALL GOLFERS

 

There will be MAJOR rule changes to the game of golf which may occur some time after November 4.

 

This is only a preview as the complete rule book is being rewritten now.

 

Here are a couple of basic changes.

 

‰Golfers with handicaps below 10 will have their green fees increase by 35%

 

‰Golfers with handicaps between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees

‰Golfers with handicaps above 18 will play for free and even get a check from the club/course played

 

The $ amount put in for bets will be as follows:

 

‰for handicaps below 10 an additional $10

 

‰between 11 and 18 no additional amount

 

‰above 18 you will receive the total amount in the pot and you do not even have to play.

 

The term “gimme putt” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:

 

‰handicaps below 10, no entitlements

 

‰handicaps above 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts

 

‰handicaps above 18, if on green, no need to ever putt, just pick it up

 

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness in scoring so that the final scores of all players will be about the same.

 

In addition, a Player will be limited to a max of one birdie and/or six pars, any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player making the birdie or par, can that Player begin to count his score again.

 

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term “net score” will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps 18 and above.  This is intended to “redistribute” the success of winning by making sure that in every competition the above 18 handicap players will post only “net score” against every other player’s gross score.

 

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness Only, it should have nothing to do with Ability.

 

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Military Intelligence Exam

27 08 2008

[The following exam for was given to me by a co-worker who once served in the USAF]

NOTE: Since Intelligence Officers and NCO’s are responsible for a multitude of subjects it is necessary that they be extremely well qualified and skilled in many tasks. Prior to certification as a super outstanding brilliant Intel type, each of you must pass the following test with a score of 110%.

1. HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical respects and impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

2. MEDICINE: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture your work until it has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING: There are 2,600 riot crazed Aborigines storming the test room. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

4. MUSIC: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with a flute and drum. You will find a piano under your chair.

5. EDUCATION: Develop a fool proof and inexpensive system of education that will meet the needs of all segments of society. Convince both the faculty and rioting students outside to accept it. Limit yourself to the vocabulary found in the Dick and Jane reading series.

6. PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nyssa, and Hammerabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man’s works, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

8. BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the difference in subsequent human culture if this form of life had been developed 500 millions years ago, with special attention to the probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

9. ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

10. POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red phone on your desk. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

11. EPISTEMOLOGY: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

12. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail your general knowledge. Be objective and specific.

If you pass this test, you are entitled to give advice to all agencies, however, do not expect the advice to be followed, but remember you may be held responsible.





Hackysack Pappy

26 08 2008

Here’s a goofy video that my son took of me playing hackysack in my backyard. Pretty spry for an old fat guy!





College Application

23 08 2008

I’m writing this entry from a hotel room in Berea, Kentucky. Tomorrow I will help my son move into his freshman dormitory and then head back home to Pennsylvania, 400 long miles away. I’m excited for Ben, and anxious to see how God leads and directs him as he moves into adulthood. But tonight I’m sad. So I browsed the net for something about college that would make me laugh… This is priceless:

College Application Essay

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author, Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

Essay: In order for the Admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized that have helped to define you as a person?


Answer

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play blue grass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish and entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to college.





How to win an argument

20 08 2008

by Dave Barry, 1981

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

* Drink Liquor. (JD)

Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot entralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.


* Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you’re not about to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON’T say: “I think Peruvians are underpaid.” Say: “The average Peruvian’s salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.”

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: “This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon’s study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn’t you read it?” Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say “You left your soiled underwear in my bath house.”


* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

  • Let me put it this way
  • In terms of
  • Vis-a-vis
  • Per se
  • As it were
  • Qua
  • So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as “Q.E.D.,” “e.g.,” and “i.e.” These are all short for “I speak Latin, and you do not.”

Here’s how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say:

“Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don’t have enough money.”

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: “Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.”

Only a fool would challenge that statement.


* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

  • You’re begging the question.
  • You’re being defensive.
  • Don’t compare apples and oranges.
  • What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what “parameters” means.

Here’s how to use your comebacks:

You say – As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…
Your opponents says – Lincoln died in 1865.
You say – You’re begging the question.

OR

You say – Liberians, like most Asians…
Your opponents says – Liberia is in Africa.
You say – You’re being defensive.


* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: “That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say” or “You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.”


You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.

*See also Godwin’s Law





Worship bragging rights?

15 08 2008

Just came across this t-shirt at the Lark News web site… might just have to get me one 🙂